Carnage. Courage. Chaos. Change. Colour. Calm. Carnivores. These words describe the last recorded form of transcribed communication related to the Torc Colossus. The current state of the Kerry region known as Torc has blossomed into beautiful beats—because Betty bought bounties before breakfast. Basketball in this mystic, scenic area has taken many twists and turns—more winding than anyone believed—due to the size of the mainland, positioned slightly farther left than previously thought on a 1920s map created on the opposite west side of Killarney.
The roster has dominated headlines since the infamous apple scandal, which divided neighbours and families after an unusual number of hair combs were seen leaving Killarney early yesterday morning. “It never made sense to anyone, especially not to me—and I was the one who suggested it,” was the actual quote given by Thomas’s Alexa when asked how much of the alarm was left the last weekend before the winter harvest.
Locals still can’t believe how much diesel prices have risen at the local Spar. The increase has left a more bitter taste than Frank Mac Rosary’s special sauce–flavoured cupcakes, which remain on sale at Centra, even as the store objects to planning permission for the Torc Colossus septic tank within the Magnetron Mountains. Club President Michel E.T. Higgins—who was, in fact, always Michael Higgins—has promised to seize all assets in the area by decree of martial law, enforced with his collection of special butterflies gathered during a childhood trip to Rome, after his nan fell off her chair from eating too much jam on her favourite buttered scone on the veranda.
The players have continued to be treated like the Gods of Old Celtic Times, with many dubbing Chad O’Dea the new Cú Chulainn—for no particular reason. Some suspect his return signals the prophecy of the Egg Mayonnaise Sunday bi-weekly dance-off might come true—half price—if certain contestants can bake banana bread using only what they have in their pockets.
Heartbreaking goodbyes were made to Colin “An Bucail Maith” Murray, Alexy Lyons, Ruargh Cahill, and James “Come” Cummins. Each departure had its own reason. Colin’s salary cap was sacrificed for the team’s benefit, as his godly talents have waned with age. He will return with Uncle Whelans and the Whelan, as his time at the club makes him family. Lex argued far too much with the team chief over the amount of gravy needed at the Christmas dinner. Our namesake Cahill will return—he will never be allowed to die as long as there is a connection. The soon-expected retirement of James Cummins will be met with intense happiness, as he proved to be one of the most underutilised greats of Irish BuzzerBeater basketball.
Last edited by cahill at 1/14/2026 7:48:13 AM