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Bow down to your new overlord, Courtney Roman.

You mean Randy Coyle?

If he can pop more than one a month than maybe eventually. /salty....

Idk man I think he just hates you ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

it's early preseason 33, so of course it's time to jump to premature conclusions. as such, i've devised a premature power ranking that's sure to be 100% accurate by season's end:

1. Orlando Tragic - team salary - 337 759 - average starters' salary - 49 965 - average backup's (6-10) salary - 14 082 - arena size - 11 210

the tragic look like the real deal this season. they're 7 players deep with no real holes in the lineup. as long as they can maintain their roster make-up and game shape, they have as good of a chance at promotion as anyone. in fact, i'd say they're the slight favorites to take it all this season. if it weren't for a certain demotee, i'd say they'd have a pretty easy time promoting. look for tao rongting to have a breakout season at point guard, as their back court is particularly loaded. the squad has potential to have 5 all-stars. they're that good. the only criticism you can attribute to this team is their small arena, but it hasn't seemed to impact their sales yet, so i'm going to say it's probably a non-issue for them.

2. Rhino's Rage - team salary - 333 966 - average starters' salary - 55 438 - average backup's (6-10) salary - 9 492 - arena size - 18 500

all the makings of a contender. they're another 7 deep team who could actually afford to go cheaper if they so desired. very similar to the tragic. they have by far and away the most expensive starting 5 in the league, and they're coming down from d2, so that tells you they probably know what they're doing. in their 11th season of existence, they've established themselves as a highly competitive squad, and they'll definitely be a tough out. a fairly balanced team, possibly leaning a bit toward interior play, they present the rest of the league with a massive road block in terms of promotion hopes.

3. Baker Street Irregulars - team salary - 285 478 - average starters' salary - 43 721 - average backup's (6-10) salary - 10 691 - arena size - 15 750

the irregulars yet again top the blue side charts, and come into the season the favorites to represent their side in the promotion series. that, however, may change quickly if they sell langa. he's listed at a reasonable price, so there's reason to think this will come to fruition. will we see them make a move to fill the hole left, or are we going to see our resident pessimist stay true to form and essentially throw the season, saving money for an easier season to pick his spot? hard to say which way sherlock is going to go, as we've seen both in the past. either way, cody meredith is poised to make an mvp run this season. the kid is ready. even without langa, the irregulars boast a deep and balanced roster, as always, so while they might not be title contenders for much longer, no doubt they'll be players in the playoff picture regardless, and you'll probably see them go deep into the cup.

4. homeboyz - team salary - 279 824 - average starters' salary - 43 519 - average backup's (6-10) salary - 10 606 - arena size - 15 100

should they be #3 you think? i mean, 2 road wins in the playoffs is one of the more impressive feats we've seen in this league. seriously, props for that one, that's incredible. they're star studded with vahi, they've got 8 players that can all ball, and they're working on 2 more trainees that are close to being viable bench options. what's not to like about the roster? well, 3 of those guys are in their mid 30s. that may come back to bite them by the end of the season. we might see them moved before season's end if things aren't going the way smitti wants them to. who knows? right now though, you'd be foolish to think they're not contenders. the returning blue side champs are ready to take on all challengers, and nobody should peg them for being anything short of a juggernaut on their schedule.

5. BucsBlue Lob City - team salary - 266 797 - average starters' salary - 44 197 - average backup's (6-10) salary - 7 095 - arena size - 20 985

they're back in full force... kinda. well, mostly. it's somewhat difficult to get a gauge on how this team is going to perform going into this season. they're selling some depth, they'll be trimming some fat, they've got a hole in their starting lineup, and a superstar to end all superstars in tompkins. korbukov provides balance, but he's aging. hilton is becoming a monster. a 22 year old 30k player next season, and that's just not fair. i highly doubt this is belbucs' final vision for his team, but i couldn't speculate what that vision might look like. if i'm just judging on how this roster looks at this very moment, they're a playoff contender, and a threat to advance to the finals. tompkins might give rhinos or the tragic some fits, so you can't discount them for promotion players. for sure they'll be in the playoff picture in a crowded conference at the top. i've said it before but, god damn that's a big arena, good lord, sir.

6. Frosty BC - team salary - 261 708 - average starters' salary - 42 591 - average backup's (6-10) salary - 8 005 - arena size - 16 892

your perennial slightly-above-average squad made some big changes in the offseason. adding a couple stud players in pg margono and c koscien, these changes have been in planning for 5 seasons. the plan has been executed. the roster is trimmed to be 7 deep, working on an 8th. the hope is that training will launch me into contention. we're on schedule so far. this is the best team i've ever put on the court, and it'll only get better as the season goes on. i don't know if i can bang with the big boys yet. i doubt i'll be at that level to start the season. maybe by the end of the season. if not, there's always next season. for sure i'll be in the playoff picture. some of the other teams in the conference have made improvements that have made actually making the playoffs a difficult task. hopefully i'll continue my streak in that regard.

7. DC Wizards - team salary - 245 817 - average starters' salary - 29 426 - average backup's (6-10) salary - 12 680 - arena size - 18 735

i know i'm going to catch hell for putting last season's #2 blue conference seed at 7, but i just calls 'em as i sees 'em. a team with excellent infrastructure, and they have outstanding depth. for sure they're going to make a strong cup showing. they have 23 players, 10 of which are in decline due to age, which is completely unnecessary. surely they'll be trimming fat and age. i just see too many issues with the makeup of the team to rank them any higher. they lack starting power to bang with the top few teams, and a bunch of their important players are declining. however, as i said, this is a very profitable team. it wouldn't be surprising to see a massive amount of movement from manager TheWizard. we might see a very different looking roster by mid-season, and become contenders.

8. Space von Jam - team salary - 253 541 - average starters' salary - 38 368 - average backup's (6-10) salary - 7 041 - arena size - 20 000

another team with outstanding infrastructure in place, but they badly under-performed last season. they have a bit of a hole at sg, and it's hard to tell what answer manager Texas has for that issue. maybe he plans on training a guy like anhao or guopeng to be the long term answer, or maybe you'll see some movement. an extremely young team, they can afford to wait for the perfect answer. if they do go to the transfer list for a solution this season, they could be serious contenders instantly. i highly doubt they're strapped for cash. i don't see them contending for a championship as it currently stands, but they'll definitely be important players in the playoff

9. Ballstars - team salary - 220 029 - average starters' salary - 38 281 - average backup's (6-10) salary - 4 482 - arena size - 13 475

they're a starting small forward and a depth guard away from being contenders. that's easier said than done, as small forwards are extremely expensive. the easiest solution is to train one, instead of saving millions for one guy. carone looks like an excellent candidate, assuming his secondaries are decent. that's what i did with oelrich and domenec, and they're an inch taller. that and maybe find a way to add 2-3k more seats and they're in great shape. anyway, ballstars narrowly missed the playoffs last season, and are looking to break into the playoffs this year. their starting 5 are already extremely talented and can play with anyone. they're a bit thin, especially at guard, but if manager DJ Kieller can effectively manage game shape, they'll be playoff contenders. steady improvement every season, and proven high quality management skills, the ballstars are in good hands. they'd better keep a close eye on the rear-view mirror, though, because...

10. LionPride - team salary - 192 543 - average starters' salary - 25 291 - average backup's (6-10) salary - 8 656 - arena size - 17 662

we don't know what to make of the new promotees, but lionpride looks like the best one so far. they find themselves in quite the gauntlet of a conference. if they want to do damage this season, they have a ton of work to do. i'd imagine their plan is multi-seasoned, and with their team makeup, necessarily pretty complicated. their trophy case is downright impressive, so i have no reason to doubt oriolekid's ability to pull it off. they're already making moves. i'm not sure i completely understand the jestratijević sale, as he's a pretty perfect small forward for this league if he gets maybe 2 pops in outside d. he's awesome even if he doesn't, and small forward is so hard to find. anyway, he probably knows what he's doing. he needs a new center and shooting guard if he wants to compete. let's see if he cuts some more depth and looks for some starting power.

11. Diamantes - team salary - 186 634 - average starters' salary - 23 305 - average backup's (6-10) salary - 11 143 - arena size - 14 118

they've fallen dramatically since last season. they probably have something in the works, though. i don't think they're in dire straights financially. maybe they're taking a season off and just going to survive and collect some cash for a while. i have no idea. as it stands, they don't stand much of a chance at making the playoffs, but they'll still have a trademark good showing in the cup due to excellent depth, and they'll be able to handle a relegation series if it comes down to that. they might still grab the 5 seed anyway and not have to worry about it. they're getting old, man. really old. each of their top 9 players are in decline. explains the dramatic decrease in salary despite not making any moves. you gotta make a move man. a bunch.

12. Mitsubishi Eclipse - team salary - 180 043 - average starters' salary - 30 628 - average backup's (6-10) salary - 4 619 - arena size - 13 102

if they buy a starting pg and another depth guard, there's no reason they can't make the playoffs. they dumped a lot of their age last season, which was a good move, but now their top 4 players are all 32. won't matter this season, but it will next season. idk what the plan is here. for now they look pretty safe in terms of relegation. i just don't see this team losing a series. twin towers gennari and companys make them an interior oriented team. korljan consistently puts up great numbers and wins most battles against other starting small forwards. they are AWFULLY thin. i think they may be trying to turn barkley into a depth big man. tomasis14 has a lot of work to do to turn this team into a contender, or even a long term sustainable d3 team. he's a veteran though, he may pull it off.

13. Crosstown United - team salary - 180 650 - average starters' salary - 28 253 - average backup's (6-10) salary - 7 596 - arena size - 10 000

they're still here. with at least 1 talented promotee in lionpride, crosstown is in real trouble of being relegated this season. they're really not a bad looking team when you look at them as a whole. 7 deep, only 2 of which are in decline, and a talented young center who's almost ready to assume a starting role for an aging starter, allowing for a sale with very little, and very temporary detriment to play. but... they don't have much to be afraid of. decent back court. mcgee always puts up numbers, and colin is excellent. plus, ignas jazilionis is probably the best name in all of buzzerbeater. that alone should be worth 2 wins. alas, it is not. can they win another relegation series? considering the bottom of the blue side... maybe.

14. CowMen - team salary - - average starters' salary - 25 874 - average backup's (6-10) salary - 8 355 - arena size - 15 230

looks they've got legitimate infrastructure, and a manager that's a 14 season veteran. it's the beginnings of a competitive squad right there. they need a depth guard, and just more starting talent if they want to compete this season and avoid relegation. they have a really nice point guard and small forward for this league, even if they're a bit long in the tooth, but need work elsewhere. not a bad start, though. i've seen worse succeed. it's similar to crosstown in that, the team makeup isn't that bad, but it's just not that talented either. wouldn't be surprised to see a few moves, especially at sg by mid-season. they'll definitely want to avoid that 7 spot, because i think the red side 6 seed will be quite a talented team.

15. Los Angeles Knights - team salary - 172 140 - average starters' salary - 26 007 - average backup's (6-10) salary - 5 146 - arena size - 11 250

they've got a decent start with their c, pg and sg, but that's about where it ends. honestly a decent start. if they can fill in their sf and pf with 30k+ starters, that should be good enough to avoid relegation. the bad news is, those are the most expensive positions to buy. hope they have like 2-2.5 mil in the bank to go get those guys. manager Zach Figueroa is a 16 season vet, so he definitely has a bunch of season ticket holders. hopefully that'll make up for the small arena, as it does with the tragic. otherwise, they might be a 1 and done.

16. Sparta Hybla Valley - team salary - 161 566 - average starters' salary - 22 686 - average backup's (6-10) salary - 7 046 - arena size - 17 008

they've got a competitive arena, so that's a great start. he did it in 11 seasons, so he's a relatively new manager by this league's standards. not gonna lie, Kilof has a lot of work ahead of him. he needs a new starting sf, and a couple stud 50k starters replacing a couple of his current ones if he wants to avoid relegation. at least that's the route i would probably take if i had his team. i'd probably look for like a 25k sf and... maybe a 50k sg and pf and sell my current starting sg and pf. i wouldn't speculate whether or not he has the cash. with his arena size, plus the fact that people should be showing up for games because of his last season, theoretically, he should be able to afford it no problem.